The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want: A Simple Plan to Stop People ... Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

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The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want: A Simple Plan to Stop People ... Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want: A Simple Plan to Stop People ... Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

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No matter how discomforting, limiting, or out of alignment with who we really are, we absorb roles into our identities, not least because we’ve taken them on to cope and survive, and so they fit the identities of the key people around us. It’s our way of “helping out” and “being good” for the greater good of the family. In fact, playing roles is codependency; we’re excessively emotionally reliant on others and don’t know where we end and they begin. Instead of being more of who we really are, we do whatever we think fits the people around us and our agendas. If you answered yes to even one of these statements, you are a people pleaser. These are clues from your body, mind, and life that you do what for all intents and purposes might be “good things” but for the wrong reasons—and that’s what makes it people pleasing.

The Joy of Saying No - HarperCollins Focus

My late acupuncturist and mentor, Silvio Andrade, helped me understand what was going on in my body as I was baffled as to why it felt as though I couldn’t handle additional stress even though I thought I was okay. No matter the description—whether you call yourself a giver or overgiver, overthinker, procrastinator, doormat, over-responsible or over-empathetic, the go-to-person, routinely taken advantage of, misunderstood, the Good Girl, the Nice Guy—these are all different ways of saying the same thing. People pleasing fits into one of five styles: gooding, efforting, avoiding, saving, and suffering. They’re about being good and looking good to others, using effort to achieve or to prove ourselves, being avoidant, rescuing people through help and sacrificing one’s self, and suffering to prove how good we are or to redeem ourselves, gain acceptance, and be safe. Each style uses the thing it derives value from to influence and control other people’s feelings and behavior, attempt to get and avoid the same things by repeating patterns, and try to right the wrongs of the past and nurse old hurts, but from different angles and with different approaches. I worry about not being liked, getting into trouble, hurting feelings, looking like a “bad” or “selfish” person, or being rejected, abandoned, or alienated if I say no, express needs, have limits, or am honest. Our coping and survival mechanisms of avoiding no with the people pleasing of playing roles helped us get through childhood, but they won’t help us thrive, because they’re maladaptive. The old programming becomes increasingly inefficient, hence why our people pleasing isn’t generating the results or the rewards it used to and taking a toll on our well-being. While some instances of people pleasing are obvious because we know that we’re doing something to be liked, allergic to saying no, praise hungry, or maybe behaving like a performing seal on steroids, many of our people-pleasing habits are out of view yet insidious, such as the following:

Title: The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue eBook | Perlego [PDF] The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue eBook | Perlego

I say yes, go along with things, or stay silent even when it’s to the detriment of my well-being because I’m afraid to say no or don’t know how to say no. As we can’t each automatically see at a glance what the lengths and breadths of a person’s boundaries are, the only way in which you can have boundaries is to know and communicate them through what you say and do (or what you opt not to).This means that we are trained to be afraid of certain things for the correct reasons (putting our hand on a hot stove will burn us). However, it also means that based on how we’ve responded each time we’ve had to, for example, ahem, say no or have boundaries, we might also be disproportionately afraid of failure or pain even though saying no and boundaries aren’t “wrong.” Committing to someone who’s on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. This isn’t the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! They’re either in or they’re out! When I ask twenty- to eightysomethings why they don’t, for instance, say no at work or to family, or why they go along with things even when they feel wrong, time and again, their answers are often about fear of “getting into trouble” and how they have to “do as they’re told.” Essentially, they want to be “good.” So what’s going on here, and how did we learn to be people pleasers?

The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing

I don’t say this to you as if you and I are different and I’m some enlightened human being beyond emotional baggage. I still people-please sometimes because I spent most of my life doing it without even realizing that it was people pleasing. I just thought it was How Life Works and What Natalie Should Do. Humans are creatures of habit. If we had to think out every last thing we do, including the internal functions of our bodies, we’d explode. Joke! But we’d immediately exhaust ourselves. So our bodies do their thing and we build lots of habits, routines of behavior, thoughts, and feelings that automate significant chunks of our days and lives so that we have the bandwidth to focus on anything requiring our conscious efforts.I’ve been looking under the hood of interpersonal relationships and human behaviour for seventeen years (such as why we’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people), putting a name and conversation to subjects that weren’t being talked about (e.g. Future Faking , The Lean Period and Fast Forwarding) as well as exploring the painful issues that all-too-often leave us feeling not ‘good enough’ and afraid of vulnerability, intimacy, and abandonment.



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